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Posted December 2024Numerous autobiographies have been written that detail a seemingly “normal” person's fall from good circumstances to the rock bottom. This short article will describe how a human being descends into the madness of running a half-marathon. Hopefully by telling my story I can prevent others from falling into this trap.
It all started innocently enough. When I was in junior high and high school I was required to run regularly during the week for PT. My only memory of that was that I found it very difficult to run a full mile without stopping. I should have left it at that.
But no, I did not leave it at that. When I hit my first mid-life crisis I happened to be living near a one-mile walking path. I started running the path periodically out of boredom … and because I was tired of seeing the inside of a gym. Eventually that old goal of running a mile without stopping reared its ugly head. Of course I had to do it. I still remember finishing that first mile without stopping and feeling a great sense of accomplishment. I even gradually pushed it to two miles without stopping. I should have stopped!
At this point I should have detected some very dangerous warning signs. I had purchased a dedicated pair of running shoes and noticed how much lighter and softer they were than shoes I typically wore. I had an app on my phone that tracked my runs. I was somewhat versed in the running parlance. I knew the typical run distances of 5k, 10k, half-marathon, and marathon. I could even convert the kilometers to miles, which should have immediately raised red flags.
Instead of stopping I began to run 5ks. A 5k is approximately 3.1 miles, which seemed like an extremely challenging distance to run. For a slower runner such as myself, it meant running for 30 minutes straight. But if I managed to do it, the app on my iPhone noted specifically that I had run a 5k and not a lesser distance. I was hooked.
My first formal 5k was (of course) the Legal Beagle. I'm not sure how to convey what a mistake this was other than to note that about 10 years before running the Legal Beagle I had served as a volunteer at the Legal Beagle and laughed at the torture the runners were putting themselves through. Who was laughing now? Not me, I was suffering. But I finished, middle of the pack.
I do recall that the pandemic struck before I ran another “official” 5k. Everyone changed their patterns during the pandemic, especially during those early lockdown months. But whereas some people adopted healthy habits, like learning to bake sourdough bread, I started running even more. Now I was running multiple 5ks a week. Then the evil thought began creeping into my head … what if I could do a 10k? One day I did just that, I simply continued running until I had covered 6.2 miles. My app congratulated me, digging my grave even deeper.
Even after I began putting multiple 10ks under my belt, though, I never contemplated running a half marathon (a little over 13 miles). That was for crazy people. Marriage came along during the pandemic (no joke, that could be a completely separate article), and a kid followed not too long thereafter. For a period of about 3 years I was a normal … dare I say recovering … person who only ran periodically for shorter distances.
But then came December of 2023. I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions, mainly because I think if you are of the mind that you need to change your life, you should do it regardless of the time of year that the thought hits you. But for whatever reason I signed up for half-marathon training to begin in January 2024. It was possibly my first New Year's Resolution. And like all New Year's Resolutions, I broke it very quickly.
The training program was fantastic. Structured, with specific workouts and rest days planned all the way out to the “Run the Rainbow” event that benefits Friends of Children's Hospital. There were group runs twice a week, with one of them being at 7 a.m. sharp every Saturday, just like the race would be. But through a series of events and excuses, I didn't even complete half of the training. Let me list the excuses. My favorite one was that my kid was new to daycare and brought home a new illness to me on a weekly basis. This actually was true - I was sick more times than I could count last spring. The second was that waking up at 5 a.m. every Saturday morning to run distances I hadn't previously run in usually very cold weather was something that my mind (rightfully) rebelled against.
Race day came and I ran the 10k, not the half-marathon. I finished middle of the pack and was very happy with the result. I didn't tell anyone that I had tried to switch even lower to the 5k but it was already sold out. Lesson learned, right? All's well that ends well.
Can you guess what happened next? This is how it happens … this is how people end up running half marathons (and worse). I was very unhappy with myself for not completing the original goal of running a half marathon. When the training opened back up again this fall, I immediately signed up. The goal was to run the St. Jude Half-Marathon in Memphis.
This time, I completed almost all of the group runs. I got used to waking up at 5 a.m. Saturday mornings, although it never got easier. The mileage increased each week, and on the day I was supposed to run 10 miles, I kept going. Just like the first time I ran a 10k, I simply ran until I had gone 13.1 miles. My Garmin watch congratulated me. Oh yes, there is now a dedicated running watch and more pairs of running shoes than I care to admit.
This month's St. Jude marathon will be the last thing I mention in this sordid tale. It was in the upper 20s at the start of the race, and around 22,000 runners were participating. Mercifully the start time was at 8:00 a.m., not 7:00. Suffice to say, I did not warm up sufficiently, hydrate properly, sleep well enough, or anything else prior to the race. As a result, I dealt with some significant pain in the first few miles. But then things smoothed out and it turned into just another long run like the numerous ones I had done in months prior.
Except it wasn't just another long run. There were spectators the full length of the scenic course through downtown Memphis and along the river. Most of them had funny signs, which did nothing for the pain I was experiencing. I take that back, one of the signs said “This is excessive. Just get Ozempic.” THAT made me chuckle between groans. I was also offered beer, lemon drop shots, fireball shots, and probably illicit drugs throughout the 13.1 mile route. What kind of madness was this?
The part that hit me in the gut though was the run through the St. Jude campus. The kids were out there waving and cheering. Suddenly I felt like a real jackass for not doing a little fundraising before the race. Now I was crying from pain AND emotions. It was an experience I won't ever forget. Nor will I forget about how good I thought I was doing during the last two miles until I started getting passed by people who were doing the full 26.2 marathon, meaning that they were more than twice as fast as me for twice the distance.
I finished middle of the pack and proceeded to drink the single most delicious beer of my life. One table at the finish line was handing out milk. “Do you want some milk?” the gentleman asked me. “No sir, absolutely not.” I responded. I guess they are determined to make you puke at some point during the event.
Post-race I was checking out of the hotel and overheard a conversation between two other runners. One was what I'll describe as a “hardo” marathoner while the other was casual runner who had done the 5k. “Why would you run a marathon?” asked the casual guy, “I mean, I work out and do some running, but I'd never run that far.” “Let me tell you something,” responded the hardo (probably a lawyer), “even runners don't like running. We do it for the sole reason of being able to brag that we did something that nobody else can do.”
I laughed and he darted eyes at me and then I did that thing where I tried to keep the smile off my face like Pvt. Pyle in Full Metal Jacket. Running a half or a full marathon isn't anything to brag about … unless you are one of those elite runners that really pushes time boundaries. Hopefully this article is enough to warn people away from doing them at all. But the comment did make me reflect on why I was doing it. I think back to one of the few group runs I made it to last spring. Part of the route went through a cemetery to add some distance. As we coursed through the headstones, I remember thinking “there will be plenty of time for me not to be active when I am in one of these.” For now, I'm grateful for my health and the opportunity to run and give to charitable causes in the process.
I'm just kidding, I do it for that post-race can of beer.
