Captain Equity

What If? The Post Election Crystal Ball

Captain Equity

Article by Captain Equity Featured Author


Thanks to journalism deadlines, I was required to write this piece before the election, not knowing how things turned out. So in the tradition of turning lemons into lemonade, here is what my trusty Crystal Ball told me to say. To wit:

Assuming Trump Wins

It will not be pretty. Late night Twitter morphs into the most extensive use of Executive Orders in the history of this country. Forget Congress and focus on the Supreme Court. It will take less than 100 days before the nation is thrown into a Constitutional Crisis of major proportions. Part of this will be the fate of Crooked Hillary who will be charged with everything from Aggravated Jay Walking to Treason by Special Prosecutor Rudolf Guliani. Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be pardoned for his role in Bridgegate while the Republican Party tries to deal with the loss of the Senate. None of this will trouble his Excellency, Donald the 1st. He will simply continue to hold rallies to get his ego fix while thinking up new ways to use the Executive Order. You will be amazed by his creativity and reach in this regard. And if you happen to be on the wrong side of history get ready for a stint in a concentration, aka reeducation camp funded by the Department of Education. The official name of the camps is Free Boarding School for Adults: Making America Smart Again.

Over the longer haul, the first use of a tactical nuclear weapon somewhere in the Middle East will prove a profound mistake for which his Highness will blame the generals. Much like his early bromance with Lyin’ Ted, he will have a falling out with his old buddy Vladimir Putin. Suddenly Russia is the Soviet Union all over again and the only thing keeping the new Cold War from heating up will be that ill-advised use of atomic weapons by the Donald. Putin will continue to needle the U.S, but a full blown nuclear war will be averted in the short run. And, of course, for the balance of his life he will be known by his press releases as “Deterrence Don,” the man who ended nuclear war for all time.

The good news is that Trump’s first and only term will be cut short by his impeachment, conviction and removal from office. President Pence will spend the remaining part of four years dismantling the concentration camps filled with Mexicans and Democrats while work on The Wall will finally cease. All the while, Pence, Paul Ryan, Lyin’ Ted and Little Marco all get ready to run in 2020 pretty much knowing that the GOP ticket doesn’t have a chance thanks to ex-President Trump.

Assuming Trump Loses

Both the Donald and the nation do much better on this count. The biggest development will be the Trump TV Network featuring Roger Ailes and Steve Bannon. It keeps Donald in the spotlight while he is able to monetize his base, who will quickly form an Alt Right Party. The hard right on-air personalities like Sean Hannity and Alex Jones join Trump TV as Fox News is now only slightly to the right of CNN. MSNBC squares off against Trump TV in a video Civil War seven days a week. In the end, everybody loses except the cable news networks

In the meantime, Trump joins in a collaboration with Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby on a new bestseller entitled The Art of the Date. It races to number one on the best seller lists. To publicize the book, Trump does an endless series of campaign style rallies to ensure the ego rush remains steady. He and his base love it even as he sues Clinton and Cosby for copyright infringement claiming they never had anything to do with the book. The case is settled and Trump becomes the sole author.

In addition to being the new titular head of the Alt Right Neo Trump party, the Donald prepares to run for president again to coincide with The Art of the Date coming out in paperback. He is fond of saying, “You have to keep the adrenalin flowing however you can, I can tell you that much.” He will continue to run unsuccessfully for president for the rest of his long life, thanks to being the “most healthy” candidate ever. All in all, few self absorbed people could ask for a better life.

Assuming Clinton Wins

While it should have been foreseen, the First Gentleman will have way too much free time on his hands. Without the Clinton Global Initiative to take up his time, it is likely he will start dating again. This will lead to nothing but trouble as Hillary is focused on a plethora of real problems. The good news is that in his new supporting role, the Big Dog can’t get impeached (again). The House and Senate would have had their hands full had Trump won, but unfortunately for the Republicans they will simply have to adjust to Bill being back in the White House throwing Tupperware parties for the spouses of the elite inner circle of Washington Power.

Otherwise, it is the third Obama term. In 2020 her reelection campaign fails as she finishes third to the ticket of Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. Donald Trump finishes a far second only a small percentage ahead of President Clinton, a sad fate for America’s first female President. The only consolation will be her four Supreme Court picks.

Assuming Clinton Loses

Sadly, she is sentenced to life in prison for 37 alleged crimes (Aggravated Jay Walking, etc.) However, she will be found innocent on the Treason charge. Her sentence will be commuted late in her life by Sasha Obama, allowing her to spend the rest of her days giving paid speeches to Parole Boards and Private Prisons. The saddest thing of all is that she never becomes the first woman President. That honor belongs to the other Obama daughter, Malia. It just goes to show that “Karma is a Bitch.”