Captain Equity

2011 Christmas List

Captain Equity

Article by Captain Equity Featured Author


My how time flies when you are having fun; it was almost four years ago that I offered members of the Capital Area Bar Association, then known as the Hinds County Bar Association, my Christmas gift list based on just exactly what Santa should give various high profile “leaders” based on what these recipients deserved and surely not what they wanted. Given my chronic lack of imagination and penchant for saying the same things over and over, I have decided to update the list while sharing some then and now moments for those who are still politically relevant as we face yet another national election. But first, let’s take a quick look back at 2007.

To put four years ago in context, recall that the 2008 Presidential election was still a year away. The Great Recession began in December 2007 while the sub-prime mortgage disaster had yet to fully manifest itself. Regrettably, the same economic mess still plagues the world economy even today. The United States was tiring of the Bush Administration’s unilateral and unpaid for military adventures in Iraq and Afghanistan, but could not have known that they would still be prosecuted unabated with even more borrowed money four years later. We were just beginning to hear about “Change We Can Believe In” from a little known Illinois state senator. John McCain was viewed as all but politically dead and almost nobody had ever heard of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the Tea Party, et al. Of course, we now all know how the election turned out along with a whole lot more.

My 2011 gift list is based on the events of the past four years and is offered with the fervent hope that we will even last another four years …

My 2011 gift list is based on the events of the past four years and is offered with the fervent hope that we will even last another four years given the current toxic political and economic climate. I hope the Mayan calendar, which is due to expire on December 21, 2012 is just an ancient version of religious seer Harold Camping’s missed end of the world predictions, but given the nutty world in which we live, it is just impossible to predict where we will be even a year from now.

Oh, and for those who pay undue attention (an ever diminishing minority) and ask why I would offer a Christmas list in early 2012 after the holidays have long passed, I would simply counter that in today’s America, January is the new December. For a country that failed to anticipate by a couple of decades the demographic disaster of retiring Baby Boomers as they began collecting their unfunded Social Security and Medicare benefits not to mention a federal government who turned a blind eye to Wall Street’s financial irresponsibility and were apparently convinced trillion dollar deficits were a perpetual solution to the country’s financial ills, I would say that I am right on target. And if that doesn’t float your boat, there is always the ubiquitous anthem of responsibility-free American young people, to wit: “My Bad.”

With that said, let’s review my 2007 list of “leaders” still relevant today with updated presents that Santa should bring them once the jolly old man scrambles his reindeer sometime around Valentine’s Day, which in today’s America represents yesteryear’s Christmas Day. (Note, most of these presents will be manufactured in Asia because the only thing we produce here are advertising circulars stuffed into the Clarion Ledger and other local papers aka America’s new Postal Service). These Christmas gifts will be imported to the Arctic Circle on Chinese Container Ships which may push the delivery date back to sometime in March. If so, I simply offer another insincere “My Bad’ mixed with a hearty Ho Ho Ho.

Then & Now

  1. Barack Obama 2007 An Honest Chance To Become the Democratic Nominee. Are all of you primary voting elves out in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Nevada listening? 2011 In the words of Rick Perry, “Ooops.” This was a mix of some underappreciated good combined with a dash of “My Bad” disappointment. Thankfully, there is still time. Maybe Santa can bring the President a backbone to use in his dealings with Mitch the Turtle and the Orange Weeper. But actually, come to think of it, the President is already celebrating Christmas early. Santa has already given him Rick Perry, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, et al. Some people have all the luck.
  2. Mitt Romney 2007 A Pair of Flip Flops. No explanation needed for this Christmas gift. 2011 A Chinese Container Ship Full of Flip Flops or a set of core beliefs that can endure beyond one television appearance. On second thought, let’s just go with the ship load of Flip Flops. Even Santa can’t pull off the impossible.
  3. John Edwards 2007 A $12 haircut paid for by four one hundred dollar bills with the change going into a red Salvation Army Kettle. 2011 Government provided free haircuts and the chance to shower regularly with Coach Sandusky of Penn State Horse Play Infamy under the watchful eyes of prison guards. This one rates a big Res Ipsa Loquitur on the North Pole Hubris Express.
  4. The American People 2007 The Ability To Pay Attention To Political Candidates Next Year Long Enough So As To Not Be Fooled Yet Again. Unfortunately, whoever said you get the government you deserve was right. Whether it be Health Care, Social Security, National Debt, Immigration, Threats to the Environment, Addiction to Fossil Fuels and Collective Denial of all of the foregoing, this country faces monumental challenges. And yet what do we get? Rampant Public Corruption, Institutional Greed, Shameless Hypocrisy, Cowardly Indifference From Our So Called leaders, Political Polarization At Ever Increasing Volume, Obsession with Moronic Celebrities et al.

Maybe my Christmas Gift to the American People is one that should have been opened a long time ago. 2011 Same present. Sadly, some things don’t change

New Additions to the Christmas List

  1. Houston Nutt and Pete Boone: Joint custody of the Ole Miss Black Bear. To ease the financial strain on these two, especially Coach Nutt (A six million dollar golden parachute isn’t what it used to be) the biological father (Dan Jones) should be ordered to help with support payments.
  2. Governor Elect Phil Bryant: A Moving Van To Facilitate a Pre-Inauguration Move To Alabama. Despite his recent election, it is just unfair to subject Phil to the 58% of Mississippi voters who stood with Satan to defeat the “Egg Abuse” Initiative. Plus, Alabama, the “Bull and the Bear State” (Conner and Bryant) has better college football than we do, plus they have the same draconian anti-immigration law Phil favors already on the books. And as an extra bonus, there is no gambling to ignore or attack. How can you lose? Our neighbor to the east is a lot farther down the road to installing the right wing theocracy the former deputy sheriff favors. Sounds like Heaven on earth with no Satan supporters in sight. Come on Phi, just take yes for an answer and let Santa do the rest.
  3. Captain Equity: Hey, it’s my list; shouldn’t Santa bring me something too? All I want is the same kind of $1.6 million dollar historian gig that Newt Gingrich got with Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae. I knew liberal arts would pay off one day. Are you listening Santa? And not to be greedy about it, but since we are talking Newt, how about a pair of diamond cuff links from Tiffany’s? To quote the young people again, “I’m just sayin’…”

Oh yeah, I almost forgot — Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and My Bad!